When thoughts get bad

I study Textiles at college and it includes a lot of fashion.  We had our fashion show yesterday and it was a huge success and I loved it.  We even went out for celebratory drinks afterwards.

Now all these photos from the night are up and my thoughts are getting bad again.

My mum showed me photos from the show that she took.  They were blurry because 1. it was on an old phone and 2. it was my mum taking it.  The clearer photo though, it was awful.  I couldn't believe how big I look, how horrible my shape is.

I went out on the town with three other girls after the fashion show.  It was sooo much fun and they were just brill, awesome friends.  The photos though.  I would rather look like any one of them and being next to them made me look even more gross than I already am.  I try hide my teeth cause I hate them, it ends up looking like I'm pouting stupidly.  In one photo I actually blinked and it made me look so drunk it's embarrassing.

My lecturer also asked me to get my photo taken with two other girls for this professional photographer.  I've just seen a photo from it and I nearly cried and I feel like I could throw up.  I hate how I looked so much.  Why weren't any of the other girls in my class chosen?  They would have looked better and made such a better job than I did.

When people take my photo I act like I don't care and I'm happy with whatever photo.  Truth is I know I'll look awful no matter how many times you try so I'm not going to waste your time.

My boyfriend hates it when I think like this so I'm letting it out on here.  I may regret this later but I need to at this moment.  He thinks I'm beautiful and I believe that he does, but I don't think I am.  I know I'm not.  I think I do so much creative work, gain new skills and learn new things, to compensate for my looks.  I believe I am talented with my art and I want it to distract from what I look like.

I'm just extremely jealous of pretty much every girl I know and would do anything to look more like them.